Meaning what? It’s worse than a traffic jam? What does he know about torture that allows him to decide what is and isn’t? If Hitchens is trying to determine whether waterboarding is “torture” (which is a ridiculous debate), he needs to subject himself to something that everyone agrees is torture, like getting electrocuted, and then compare that to being waterboarded.
It’s possible he made this observation in the article, which I did not actually read.
It was completely silent. At least it was to Tom Brady, quarterback of the New England Patriots. In reality, he was completely surrounded by screaming spectators. But Tom didn’t get to the Super Bowl by letting things like that distract him. “All I’ve got to do is get a touchdown against the New York Giants,” Tom thought. It was the fourth down of the fourth quarter, Patriots’ ball. Tom called for the hike, and the center snapped him the pigskin. Tom dropped back, the paradigm of cool focus. He scanned the field, and saw one of his players open. Tom threw it — a hail mary — and his player caught the ball. He ran for a touchdown.
Tom’s teammates rejoiced, but Tom knew the job wasn’t over yet. Tom still wanted to get another touchdown. The Patriots kicked the ball to the Giants, who started running it back. Tom locked his sights on the runner. He analyzed the position of each player, and he saw how the return would play out, with mathematical precision. He located the coordinates for a showdown, and put his strong legs into top gear. Three, two, one — collision. Fumble. Tom grabbed the football, and ran it for a touchdown.
Tom, allowing himself a rare indulgence, high-fived his teammates. Tom would later reflect on this moment and realize that it wasn’t an indulgence at all, but a decided attempt to maintain the spirits of his teammates. Morale was important — Tom had seen it turn the meek into giants, and heroes into splotches of flesh.
With two touchdowns, the Patirots appeared poised to win the Super Bowl. Would they win? Only time would tell. The Patriots played the rest of the Super Bowl, and ended up winning it.
Every once in a lifetime, there comes something, something not all of us are lucky to see. But if we keep hoping, that change can be brought about. The road is often long. And yes, there will be doubters along the way. But strength. Perseverance. Courage. These are the things of better roads. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are living in troubled times. There are things in the world that aren’t good. But someone can make them more good, and that’s Barack Obama. I hereby endorse Barack Obama for the president of the United States.
Shaves are like film scores. The best of them fade thanklessly into the background, propping up the finer qualities of their hosts without drawing attention to themselves. People often point out to me the lack of comments about my shave, and ask what my “secret” is. “I’m always happy to share the shaving technique passed down to me by my German ancestors!” I tell them. And so, upon noticing that there are like 80 shaving stories on digg, all proposing disappointingly pedestrian techniques, I became eager to share my guide for the best shave in history. Let’s start at the beginning… of time.
Shaving is old
Roughly 95% of all time happened before Gillette (or someone) invented shaving cream. Yet, I don’t recall seeing a single razor bump on any of George Washington’s many portraits. That’s because for thousands of years our ancestors have shaved using natural ingredients easily found in most forests.
What you’ll need
Olive Oil
Cinammon Stick
A Ripe Orange
A Gillette Mach 3 razor
A hot water heater, pot and stove, or toaster oven
Instructions
Place a small towel in a quart of olive oil and bring it to 40 degrees celsius. Rub the towel all over your face.
While your face pores are still erect from the silky heat of the olive oil, give your cheeks a steam rolling with the cinnamon stick. This will really open them up. Your face will feel like a field of sticks in empty flower pots. You will feel air breezing past every side of your hairs and wonder what is keeping them from falling right out of your face. By the way, you should also be smelling pretty wonderful right now. If you shave every day, you may find the cinnamon burns your cuticles; to curtail, introduce a harmless bureaucracy below your fingers by placing corn on the cob spears in either end of the cinnamon stick.
Now it’s time to shave. Before you start, your pores need an exit strategy. They have laid themselves bare before you, and you must cuddle that vulnerability for a sustainable relationship. Mount an orange slice on the back of the head of your razor. Not only will it lubricate your shave, it will instantly disinfect your pores and eliminate razor burn. As you shave, stroke sideways to the grain, combining the best qualities of shaving with the grain and against it. I won’t bother telling you not to eat the orange because you will see that it is covered in disgusting hair and you would be disgusting if you ate it.
You’re almost done. Put down your razor. OK, you’re done! That’s right, no need for aftershave — the nature of the orange imitates aftershave’s properties.
So what are you waiting for? Head over to the produce aisle, and prepare for rest of history.
